we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
