I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
