Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
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