The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
