So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
