as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
