I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
