he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
