We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
