I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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