Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
