all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
