I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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