i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
