Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
