would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
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