shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
