I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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