he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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