he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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