True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
