sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
