member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
