why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
