Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
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