Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
