the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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