were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
