I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
