my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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