I met the friendliest cop last night
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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