Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
