Dude my mom stole all your condoms
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
