i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
