highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
