brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
