birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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