Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
