either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
