I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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