I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
