If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
