the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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