i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
