Can i not drive my cunt home
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
