it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
