I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
