I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
