There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
