Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
